Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
