don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
