see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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