If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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