I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
