I puked a lego.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
