my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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