wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
