11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
