I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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