The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
