I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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