I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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