At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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