This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
