Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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