I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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