i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
