For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
