if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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