All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
