OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
