I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
