Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
