You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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