I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize