Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
