After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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