I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
