Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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