I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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