Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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