I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
