I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
