It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize