I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
