WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
