toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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