You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
