goodnight i made you a song goodbye
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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