I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
