Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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