i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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