You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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