don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
