His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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