hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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