don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
