The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
