I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
