Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I've blown a few things in my day
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize