I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
