I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
