my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
