So drunk its hurt
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
