I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
