woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
