I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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