She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
