just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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