So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
