Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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