Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
