4 words: hood of his car
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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