why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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