I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
