i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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